Somehow I ended up on the Smoky Mountain Knife Works mailing list and was thusly graced with their 2009 Christmas Edition Catalog.
Nothing inherently wrong with this, in and of itself (if you discount the waste of paper and ink that represents this 5oz homage to all things `Merikuhn) – and, on the plus side, Smoky Mountain Knife Works has given me a window into the soul of their demographic; nestled within the 172-page document I was able to find a handful of products which say so much more about what it means to be `Merikuhn than all the cheap it’ll-rust-if-exposed-to-humidity pocketknives and daggers they’re schilling.
Sad but painfully true: The Instructor in that Surviving Edged Weapons training video was right… danger comes in all shapes and sizes (not the least of which would be ideas).
Desiderata Maledictus
Note: Spelling and grammatical errors preserved from original.
We Don’t Dial 911 Sign (REP1401 pg #97) – 10-5/8″ x 3-5/8″ x 1/8″.
My favorite.
This makes it really easy to determine which houses have guns and are, therefore, worth robbing. Just wait until occupants leave, or ambush them on their way into the house from their car or garage – rough them up a little bit, you could even shoot one of them, to ensure that they tell you where all their guns are hidden.
Personal Protection Pen – Pink with Hearts (SCTPENPH pg #17) – These heavy duty pens are made of CNC machined 6061 aircraft aluminum and contoured to make a real “dent” in any would-be attacker, and they write too!

Rampage (BKBO110 pg #34) – Designed by R.J. Martin, a purely tactical knife. Built to be held in either straight or reverse grip. Features: 440C stainless steel blade, thumb ridge, black micarta handles with deep finger grooves, double rivets, lanyard hole, 9-1/2″ overall, custom injection molded ABS sheath with Tek-Lok adaptor, belt loop and lashing holes for multiple carry options.
With a name like “Rampage” you know this knife was meant for lawful personal defense use and lawful personal defense use only.

RBB Urban Survival (BKBO047 pg #34) – Black coated 440C stainless steel blade, thumb stud, black coated aluminum handles, interchangeable glass breaker, pocket clip, 4-1/8″ closed, includes allen wrench.
If “Urban Survival” is anything like “Wilderness Survival” I think I’ll take my chances by carrying a machete, pepper spray, hungry pitbull, and a baseball bat with a few nails sticking out of it.

Honey Comb (CS92HC pg #37) – Look smart and feel secure anywhere with Cold Steel’s new personal grooming aid. It looks like an ordinary hairbrush, but the handle is actually a self-defense dagger! Features: Precision injection molded Zytel construction, impervious to the elements, 1/2″ thick cruciform cross-section, tapers down to a needle-like point, well-designed secure handgrip, 7-7/8″ overall without brush, 8-1/4″ overall with brush.
Perfect for sneaking through metal detectors!

FGX Battle Ring (CS92FRD pg #37) – Dark as a moonless night, silent as the grave, and totally undetectable. It’s light enough to be tied, tucked, or taped just about anywhere! Impervious to heat, cold, moisture, and extreme weather. Features: Grivory construction, finger ring, 9″ overall. CANNOT BE SOLD IN MA.
… because, despite its obvious awesomeness, the battle ring is just not cool enough to be shipped to Massachussetts. Little does Massachussetts know – the battle ring cannot be detected!

KA-BAR / Laserlyte Pistol Bayonet (KA9900 pg #45) – The dimensions, weight, and full tang construction make this bayonet the perfect companion to your pistol. Features: medium carbon stainless steel blade with Teflon-coated black oxide finish, thumb ridge, black 30% glass filled nylon handle with dovetail grooves and pushbutton attachment for any medium to large pistol with “rails” (quick-on and off!), 5-3/4″ overall, black polymer blade cover sheath, instructions included. Shown on pistol (not included)
Having one of these proves that you have a really, really big dick and are also an expert in hand-to-hand combat.

Homeland Security (SWCKSURC pg #47) – Designed by Morgan Taylor, 440C stainless steel blade with sawback spine and Urban Titanium Camo finish, black G-10 handle, lanyard hole, 13-13/16″ overall, ballistic nylon belt sheath.
Not approved by any government agency for concealed carry on government property or for flaying terrorists!

SOG Fusions (pg #72) – “Fusion is the merging of several different elements – sometimes violently! This line from SOG melds technical excellence, ingenuity, and affordability to yield products that are distinctly different from the mainstream!”
SOG Real Knife Series (pg #74) – The SEALs are elite among specialized military groups in the world today. Only a select few endure, earning the right to wear the SEAL trident on their uniform. The knife chosen by the Navy for the SEALs must be no less worthy. (Until you remember that the government buys weapons from the lowest bidder…)
Iridescent Rainbow (KS1660VIB pg #76) – Titanium oxide coating.
Assuming you are neither female nor homosexual, this is the knife to prove that you are secure in your manhood!
… and in any case, if anyone says you’re a sissy or fails to compliment you for carrying it you can stab ‘em because it’s really sharp!

Frost Christmas Stocking of Knives (FRSOCK pg #L) – A Frost Holiday Favorite! Features: (2) fixed blade knives and (10) folding knives for one low price! Packaged in a traditional mesh stocking. (Styles and materials may vary.) QUANTITIES LIMITED!
“You bought me a bunch of last year’s surplus crap for Christmas? How thoughtful!”
“I would feel compelled to stab you with this year’s gifts if you hadn’t delivered them in a traditional mesh stocking…”

Ninja Viper Sword (FRHK6634270 pg #O) – Blood grooves, notched thumb rest, deep notches in blade spine. Features: One piece black coated stainless steel construction, cord wrapped handles, lanyard holes, 27″ overall, nylon belt sheaths also have adjustable shoulder straps.
It’s all about the blood grooves.
4XL Genuine Buffalo Leather Biker Vest (BFGFVBIK144X pg #100) – Features: Diamond Plate Rock design genuine buffalo leather construction, leather side laces, (4) slash pockets, (14) embroidered pre-sewn-on patches make a statement. (designs may vary – our choice only)
Because real bikers are too busy looking cool to pick out their own patches or do any sewing.

Embassy Leather Bible Covers (BFLULBIBLE pg #101) – Features: Leather construction (except where noted), zipper closures, hand straps, front pockets with cross zipper pulls, additional self-closing front pockets, interior pen holders, measures 10″ x 7″ x 2″. Protect your Bible from the elements. (Bible not included)
Caution: Does not protect bible against rational analysis, lightning, friendly and ethical atheists, or other signs that perhaps it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Fossil Collections (SMRR99 pg #103) – The contents of, the ages, and the number and types of fossils included, will vary slightly, but each collection is a great value for the price. Wood display box.
Note: Your Bible may not include an explanation for these.

Robert E. Lee Rifle/Sword (926802 pg #107) – This rifle replica has a secret weapon. If Gen. Lee had owned such a weapon, the South might have won! Features: Wood and cast metal construction Civil War-era non-firing rifle replica, 27″ stainless steel blade hidden inside the barrel, shoulder strap.
Because we all really wish that the Confederate army’s soldiers had swords instead of rifles because that would have given them a distinct military advantage which would have allowed them to triumph over the Union soldiers and isn’t it a pity that their secession was unsuccessful?
German Military Replica Bayonet (MI091 pg #111) – Black composition handle, Swastika shield, polished cast metal guard and pommel, 14-3/4″ overall, cast metal and imitation leather sheath. Designs may be offensive to some customers.

Note: This advertisement, full of swastika-emblazoned crap, (including a factory error because the swastika was facing the wrong direction) is opposite page #110 which features a Star of David “G.I. Jewelry” necklace (item #3YWLO1).
Yes, the Star of David jewelry is the only item in the catalog which is remotely Jewish in any way. And it is opposite swastikas. Seriously.

Masonic Knight Dagger (SXCSW0799 pg #115) – Features: stainless steel blade, white composition handles with imprinted Masonic designs front and back, cast metal guard and pommel, 12-1/4″ overall, imitation wood scabbard with cast metal fittings.
I believe that some Masons are due to exact punishment on whomever leaked all the secrets of their symbols and practices to the Chinese manufacturers who make this garbage.

44 Mag Shell Casing Knife (SX1143 pg #127) – 1-5/8″ closed.
“Hey guys, what about a bullet that turns into a knife?” (Consider the shark jumped)

Drymate Gun Cleaning Pad (GPG1654 pg #127) – Features: non-woven fabric construction, Zorb-tech anti-flow absorbency technology, clear bonded backing prevents soak-through, rounded corners, stain resistant, machine washable and dryable, measures 54″ x 16″ x 1/16″. (Gun and accessories not included.)
I wonder how many angry customers call in to inquire why the gun and accessories were not included with their $10 purchase?
Embassy Leather Waist Pack/Gun Holder (BFLULGH2 pg #127) – Features: solid leather construction, 7″ x 4-1/2″ main compartment with 1-1/2″ gusset, 50″ nylon adjustable waist strap, adjustable interior pistol holder. (Pistol not included.)
Firstly, it’s called a fanny pack and, secondly, now I know to avoid people wearing leather fanny packs (moreso than usual).

Heartbreaker Necklaces (NV223 pg #139) – Features: functional mini blades fold out of hearts, 3/4″ heart shaped nickel silver settings, 23″ overhead-style stainless steel chains (no clasps).
I suppose I’ll find out just how functional one of those 3/4″ blades is when someone breaks my heart…

The Knife That Goes Anywhere (LKNFE pg #139) – Non-metallic personal protection article. Features: One piece plastic construction with checkered grip, 7″ overall with lanyard hole, also handy for package/letter opening. (Cannot be sold in CA or MA)
Somehow the catalog failed to mention that this would be very inappropriate to bring on an airplane… odd…

Disclaimer: I am not in any way affiliated with Smoky Mountain Knife Works – in fact, I’m making fun of their catalog (parody) so any use of their marketing materials should fall under the Fair Use provisions of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act.
I hope that doesn’t make you angry, Smoky Mountain Knife Works employees. Please, whatever you do, don’t wield your terrible murderous arsenal against me… it’s very rainy here and it would be further embarrassing to you should all that “affordable stainless steel” rust through and/or disintegrate.