Operator Speaking by Zachary Constantine
 

Archive for the ‘Comical’ Category

Gratuitous Pop Music Video

Tuesday, July 20th, 2010

NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION

Do Dogs Go To Heaven?

Friday, July 9th, 2010

[via Everything is Terrible]

Disappointed we ended up with Myers and not Nye? I was.

Drive-by Trolling: A Golden Opportunity

Sunday, May 9th, 2010

The premise:

The Golden 1 Credit Union

E-Commerce Manager
SACRAMENTO, CA

Are you seeking a golden opportunity?

Golden 1, one of California’s leading credit unions, is seeking a dynamic, energetic Manager to fill a key Marketing position. This position drives the eCommerce strategy and all online marketing efforts of Golden 1 as a major contributor to the accomplishment of organizational growth and retail goals. The eCommerce Manager serves to oversee research, development, and optimization of the complete online user experience with regard to online, mobile and text banking, online affiliate partnerships, e-mail campaign management, social media networks, website and intranet website. This position is also responsible for planning and budget management, as well as the communication of expectations and standards of performance among area direct reports.

Candidates must have a minimum of five years experience in Web development and maintenance and a minimum 3 years .NET experience. Two or more years of progressively responsible experience leading and supervising a Web development team, preferably within a financial institution. Experience programming in Spanish language is desired.

Pre-employment drug testing and background check are required before being offered a position. All applicants must be over the age of 18 and have a high school diploma or GED. We offer a competitive salary along with a generous benefits package.

Please apply:

The Golden 1 Credit Union
8945 Cal Center Drive
Sacramento Ca, 95826
Email:
RKelly@golden1.com
Fax: 916-363-7198

- E-Commerce Manager (Sacramento, CA)
Date: 2010-05-08, 12:51PM PDT

Opportunity taken:

To: RKelly@golden1.com

Subject: RE: E-Commerce Manager (Sacramento, CA)

I had questions and I think the post could use some clarification:

“Manager to fill a key Marketing position”

“Candidates must have a minimum of five years experience in Web development and maintenance and a minimum 3 years .NET experience”

So, essentially, you’re looking for a marketing manager who does development work – right?

“This position is also responsible for planning and budget management, as well as the communication of expectations and standards of performance among area direct reports.”

Would that be “departmental” planning and budget management, or is the E-Commerce Manager responsible for all planning and budget management, in addition to all web development?

How many employees does Golden 1, one of California’s leading credit unions, have on staff?

I am interested in the golden opportunity mentioned in your Craigslist post – I’m under 18 but that’s not really a deal-breaker for you, now, is it? I can assure you that I have plenty of experience.

Hope to hear back from you soon!

- Z. Constantine

Yes, I troll – but only for the lulz.

The Internet is Win: … but the future will suck

Thursday, May 6th, 2010

Do we really need to obviate walking?


The Internet is Win: Random, pointless, and/or amazing things I would never have known about without an internet connection.

Nikolai Tesla: Electric Jesus

Saturday, April 10th, 2010

Surprisingly, much of it true.

MEOW (very best ever)

Thursday, March 25th, 2010

I can’t look away.

The Operator Finds A Job

Friday, March 5th, 2010

Interview questions span the intractable, the thoughtless, and the inane – test some skills to find out if a candidate can do the job… the interview only tests patience and personality.

Human Resources Drone versus The Operator

How would you move Mt. Fuji?

Subcontract fissible material disposal to a third-rate Ukrainian outfit after bribing officials to secure disposal rights under a program with an innocent-sounding name like “Mount Fuji Waste Reclamation and Beautification Initiative”, dispatch a black-ops merc team with a warhead for wetwork once enough of the material’s buried on-site, nuke the fucker, blame the subcontractor, and mandate cultural sensitivity training across the organization after our PR team spins up a campaign about it not being as-bad because the reconstruction has created new jobs for local economies or at least what’s left of them… Oh, sorry, thought you said “remove”.

What is your greatest strength?

You have no business interviewing me if you can’t figure that one out – and if you believe anything I tell you, they should just take you out back and shoot you right now before you embezzle company funds in response to a Nigerian 419 scam. Bullshit question. You should be fired. Next.

What is your greatest weakness?

Another bullshit question? … but I’ll play along. I don’t work well with groups unless I’m in charge of ‘em… and then I’ll bleed each and every member of my team dry until they’ve scraped together enough sweet-smelling shit to net me a promotion; when they screw up, I’ll fire off any of the ones who would finger me and keep the drones. Lather, rinse, repeat.

We’d be honored to have you on-board here at the      . You’re hired.

Great. Hello, security? I need this man removed from the premises.

Fuck the popularity contest – pay me, I’ll be your slave for a while.

Jammies!

Thursday, March 4th, 2010
The Tizzle Wizzle Show

Methods & Procedures: “Merciless” Introduction

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

via Dangerous Minds

Highly recommended for lobbyists and public relations scum.

Happy Anti-Valentine’s Day

Saturday, February 13th, 2010

[via Dangerous Minds]

XOXO – The Operator