Interview questions span the intractable, the thoughtless, and the inane – test some skills to find out if a candidate can do the job… the interview only tests patience and personality.

Fuck the popularity contest – pay me, I’ll be your slave for a while.

Survival – it’s always on every person’s mind.

What better way to prepare to survive an unlikely event than to review a detailed and informative infographic full of conventional wisdom like “don’t be a hero”, “do what you’re told”, and “be observant” ..?

01 :: Be A Hero

Remember how everyone used to mock you for wearing a Superman outfit under your street clothes?

This is your chance to prove them all wrong – strip down to the spandex and kick some ass!

02 :: Watch The Clock

It is a little-known fact that hostage execution must begin within the first 45 minutes of a hostage situation (or your money back).

Keep an eye on the time and do what you can to ensure that there is another hostage who is less well-liked than yourself.

03 :: Silence The Blind Man

Be ready to silence any visually-impaired hostages; their reliance upon spoken communication makes them the weakest link and they’re certain to get you killed if allowed to speak.

04 :: Sleep With Your Eyes Open

Hostage-takers are less likely to execute hostages who appear to be dead.

This technique is especially effective if you are capable of holding your breath, stopping your heart, and cooling your skin to room temperature.

05 :: The Suggestion Box

DO NOT USE IT.

06 :: Choose Your Destiny

Being a hostage doesn’t have to be a disempowering experience.

Tell your captors what you think they should do after asking yourself whether you would prefer to be bludgeoned by the telephone, stabbed repeatedly with the scissors, or thrown out the window.

07 :: Vomit Blood

Whomever has taken you hostage will likely have an aversion to the vomitting of blood – this is why you must vomit blood at every opportunity.

If you see someone else vomitting blood, point and laugh before pointing at a first aid kit and laughing further.

08 :: Assume Ninja Attack Stance

The dreaded ninja eye-grab (popularized by Jerome Lester “Jerry” Horwitz) requires only two of your fingers and two of someone else’s eyes.

You can also use the ninja eye-grab on yourself, should you see anything particularly disturbing.

09 :: Use Thumb Signals

The combined thumbs-up/thumbs-down signal used in response to any and all inquiries will confuse your captors long enough for you to make your unlikely escape or begin feigning death.

10 :: Accept Incoming Calls

Hostage-takers who have retail job experience may automatically ask you to leave and allow your safe egress if you begin talking on a cellular phone.

Always accept incoming calls and use speaker phone – hostage situation or not – as a general safety precaution.

11 :: Human Furniture Method

The “human foot stool” position will not work with a dead hostage.

Remind your captors that you work better as furniture while you are alive.

12 :: Pray Correctly

Your rescuers expect your sincere gratitude.

Show your gratitude by thanking Allah when rescue arrives – the correct method for doing so will be to align yourself with the qibla, bow your head, and chant “Allahu Akbar!” at the top of your lungs.

What it looks like to me is a picture of someone who is either deceased or pretending to be deceased. It looks like it could be a crime scene, but like an onion there will be a lot of layers to something like this.

- Officer’s Facebook Page Pic Draws Fire

The men were charged with possession of crack cocaine and taken to jail. Pena was held for three days, but Rodriguez spent five days in jail before police completed testing on the candy and dropped the charges.

- Police confuse candy for crack

Organizers returned to the park Tuesday but didn’t locate the bag.

- Police lose bones after demonstration

One union official worried the new rule could be used to punish an officer who makes an honest mistake.

- Commissioner To Boston Cops: You Lie, You’re Fired

No other employee has been terminated based on dishonesty.

- Seattle cop fired for dishonesty will get job back

According the police report, Toner told the arresting officer he was “messed up” and was just trying to “make a big bust.” Toner told police he was doing undercover work inside the bar, but police said Toner’s JSO car was parked right outside the bar.

- Neptune Beach Police Arrest JSO Officer

I’m not questioning if he can do the job. I’m just questioning the bad judgment he used.

- Iowa Police Chief Suspended Over Fighting Video

There have been a number of what I would describe as ‘Come to Jesus’ meetings in my office where I have been very blunt with him.

- Ex-Obetz officer guilty in sexual assault of prisoner

She said he caught the baby before he landed on the floor in the jail.

- Miss. Inmate Claims No One Believed She Was in Labor

I’d prefer we focus on showing the community in a positive light.

- For $65, tourists get peek at Los Angeles gangland amid cease-fire negotiated among rivals

… as he opened the door the officers pulled him out of the house and beat him.

- Vancouver police apologize after man beaten

Congress has failed to take even the relatively easy first steps to consolidate oversight authority of the Department of Homeland Security … The estimated number of committees and subcommittees that oversee DHS ranges from 82 to 108. Virtually no progress has been made since consolidation was first recommended by the 9/11 Commission in 2004.

- Report: National security falls short

A refrigerator used to store evidence, like blood, urine and semen, malfunctioned in December, and investigators are trying to determine if evidence was ruined.

- Police: Refrigerator Used To Store Evidence Malfunctioned

The cemetery where Sparkman committed suicide was known for ”a large amount of drug activity” including the production of methamphetamine.

- U.S. Census Worker in Ky. Makes Suicide Look Like Murder

The Internet is Win: Random, pointless, and/or amazing things I would never have known about without an internet connection.

A conversation happening at this moment:

Will you stop singing that song already? [Hazardous memetic waste?]

Now hurry and lose some weight while I get taller so we can watch some stuff online and then make some babies!

… wait, how’re we gonna pay for all this?