Operator Speaking by Zachary Constantine
 

Posts Tagged ‘ego’

The best-laid plans schemes

Saturday, August 7th, 2010

Wee, sleeket, cowran, tim’rous beastie,
O, what panic’s in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi’ bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an’ chase thee,
Wi’ murd’ring pattle!

I’m truly sorry Man’s dominion
Has broken Nature’s social union,
An’ justifies that ill opinion,
Which makes thee startle,
At me, thy poor, earth-born companion,
An’ fellow-mortal!

I doubt na, whyles, but thou may thieve;
What then? poor beastie, thou maun live!
A daimen-icker in a thrave ‘S a sma’ request:
I’ll get a blessin wi’ the lave,
An’ never miss’t!

Thy wee-bit housie, too, in ruin!
It’s silly wa’s the win’s are strewin!
An’ naething, now, to big a new ane,
O’ foggage green!
An’ bleak December’s winds ensuin,
Baith snell an’ keen!

Thou saw the fields laid bare an’ wast,
An’ weary Winter comin fast,
An’ cozie here, beneath the blast,
Thou thought to dwell,
Till crash! the cruel coulter past
Out thro’ thy cell.

That wee-bit heap o’ leaves an’ stibble,
Has cost thee monie a weary nibble!
Now thou’s turn’d out, for a’ thy trouble,
But house or hald.
To thole the Winter’s sleety dribble,
An’ cranreuch cauld!

But Mousie, thou are no thy-lane,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes o’ Mice an’ Men,
Gang aft agley,
An’ lea’e us nought but grief an’ pain,
For promis’d joy!

Still, thou art blest, compar’d wi’ me!
The present only toucheth thee:
But Och! I backward cast my e’e,
On prospects drear!
An’ forward, tho’ I canna see,
I guess an’ fear!

- To a Mouse by Robert Burns [1785]


I reflect upon my life at times and worry I’ve fallen short of my potential.

I then reflect upon the state of the world and am full of pride.

Perhaps I have reached my potential for hubris.

On the Justification of Nihilism

Friday, July 23rd, 2010

Estimates of “the total number of people who have ever lived” published in the 2000s range approximately from 100 to 115 billion.

An estimate of the total number of people who have ever lived was prepared by Carl Haub of the Population Reference Bureau in 1995 and subsequently updated in 2002; the updated figure was approximately 106 billion. Haub characterized this figure as an estimate that required “selecting population sizes for different points from antiquity to the present and applying assumed birth rates to each period”. Given an estimated global population of 6.2 billion in 2002, it could be inferred that about 6% of all people who had ever existed were alive in 2002.

- World population at Wikipedia.org


Assuming that you could meet each of the 115,000,000,000 people who have ever lived for exactly one second, it would take you 3,646 years to meet each of them (though the birth rate – 157,500,000 children per year – would ensure that you never catch up).

One, one-thousand…

How much can you learn about a person in one second?

What lasting impact can any -

…. two, one-thousand…

- individual have if it would take more than a year to simply recall the names of each person born that year?

…. three, one-thousand…

Will your existence matter in one hundred years, after tens of billions of others of your kind have born, aged, and died?

…. four, one-thousand…

Consider, for a moment, what it is that makes you different – are you really that different from the 114,999,000,000 people whose names you can’t remember?

…. five, one-thousand…

LIAR!

Admit it, you can’t even remember one million other peoples’ names.

…. six, one-thousand…

Try it, write them down.

I’ll wager you recall less than 10,000.

…. seven, one-thousand…

You know what the odds are of being an Einstein or a Charlemagne or a Nebuchadnezzar or even a Judas Iscariot?

…. eight, one-thousand…

They’re infinitesimal.

You’re infinitesimal.

…. nine, one-thousand…

You hardly even matter in the solipsist dream you like to pretend the rest of us trespass upon…

…. ten, one-thousand…

Admissions of Fallibility

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

Cognition is futile but I don’t believe in nihilism.

Understanding is a restriction of experience and it is by a reflexive framework of understanding that the stenosis of thought we foolishly call reality precludes us from the freedom of plenipotentiary chaos.

Though this be madness, yet there is method in’t – without a locus in the autodidactic fallacies of selfhood we would cease to be ourselves and revert to observers observing the machinations of the unknowable, manifold expressions of energy and matter.

Summary: The human mind is ill-equipped to comprehend the electron positions in a grain of salt and the nature of the universe is likely more complex than a grain of salt – the most you can ask of yourself is to be forgiving of your fallibility, aware of the paradox in any declarative statement, and willing to embrace the ephemeral for all its transient glory – it’s all you’ve got.

Insomnia #1873

Saturday, February 13th, 2010

Now with more somnambulism!

Ideas rattling around in my skull…

Hypothesis: Intestinal flora imbalances cultured with refined foods are a basis for systemic failure in the human body (there is already plenty of flim-flam out on the ‘net to this effect)

Project: Intricate wood-burning project involving ouroboros design, ceramic inlay, complicated system of gears which slowly changes the color of the snake’s scales and segments to indicate time (fun!)

Systems: Security profiling suite (rootkit, antivirus, user authentication and process profiling) to append to existing infrastructure, integrate with network hardware for covert channel detection (far too much work but it’d be fun nonetheless)

Recipe: Discovered a combination of black bean soup and canned soup which has the color, consistency, and (for the most part) taste of bacon gravy (MAD SCIENCE SUCCESS!)

Project: Should I be making T-shirts? If I were making T-shirts, what would I be making? Probably some really offensive designs… (yes, it’s always a good time to sell out)

Wetware Trouble Tickets [2010.01.10]

Sunday, January 10th, 2010

*** [AR-0] Preempt Retention *** Confidential *** Internal Use Only ***

  • Do not reproduce, disclose, or acknowledge upon disclosure
  • Document retention policy preempted

Document control failure violates Title 3 §42 Uniform Secrecy Provisions.

Note: This document supersedes all concurrently released versions of the same title. Destroy in accordance with DCP-0.

[Short form for append to 2010.01.09, priors]

SC#9013 [Output unreliable for Survival->acquireByNeed((obj)meal)]
Status: Pending
Multiple instances. Calls to acquireByNeed((obj)meal) return location coordinates or destination string in unit tests. In vivo stack trace shows all calls return as with (obj)nicotine under operating conditions observed 2010-01-09 20:09:02 to 2010-01-09 21:32:05 – parity checks failed on recall interface. Unexpectedly high cyclomatic complexity for Survival source, unable to acquire source for interface libraries – no definitive resolution expected. Further analysis pending results of initial system state benchmarks and recurrence with internal parity check debug output.

SC#9014 [Hardware failure?]
Status: Open
Investigation of SC#9013 indicates taint failed or bypassed on buffers allocated to Survival – found copy of pointer for instantiated (obj)meal in      w/no explicit pointer assignments in source.

Prolonged Death Mimesis [redux]

Tuesday, January 5th, 2010

In a candle-lighted chapel, each climbs into one of the austere wooden caskets laid side by side on the floor. Lying face up, their arms crossed over their chests, they close their eyes. And there they rest, for 10 excruciating minutes.

“It’s a way to let go of certain things,” says Jung, a former insurance company lecturer. “Afterward, you feel refreshed. You’re ready to start your life all over again, this time with a clean slate.”

- South Koreans experience what it’s like to die – and live again
by John M. Glionna for the LA Times
2010-01-04

via Dangerous Minds

Perhaps this is what I was talking about… the radio hits a patch of silence and the chatter becomes appreciable; the gears grind to a halt and the stark beauty of chaos on the assembly line momentarily appears; time enough to catch a breath before the mad dash through the forest resumes.

I’ve yet to take a real break from the incessant blogging – whether here and at the new outlet dedicated to “case files” (hopefully there is a noticeable lack of organization there … the goal is to reserve coherent thoughts for this outlet) – there is simply too much new information to overlook.

Why black?

Thursday, December 24th, 2009

Well, there’s things that never will be right I know,
And things need changin’ everywhere you go,
But ’til we start to make a move to make a few things right,
You’ll never see me wear a suit of white.

Ah, I’d love to wear a rainbow every day,
And tell the world that everything’s OK,
But I’ll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
‘Till things are brighter, I’m the man in black

- Man in Black by Johnny Cash

Also, it obscures the dirt, grime, and blood stains.

Insomnia #1826

Friday, November 20th, 2009

Warning: Bricolage.


Here’s a dollar – spend it on food, ok?


My god is my bottle-
I do what I must
My demons are shards
Of a god I couldn’t trust

- Waste

Memories of the psych ward. Ambiguous confessions to murder, daydreaming, or worse. Banish them all – pursue happiness against all reason, whatever it takes.



“I saw you – intentions brimming with altruism – giving that crackhead a dollar, Christian.”
- Booze, Cthulhu, and the Weeds

There are two kinds of help:
The kind that gets you back
and the kind that keeps you back


“… and, whether it began as an investigation into the bicameral mind or merely a creative outlet, (perhaps an escapist refuge or fugue limbo the individual entered upon encountering stressor which he was not prepared for?) it has clearly devolved into something less cogent. It has become a spectacle so ugly as to suggest that it has taken on a life of its own and will proceed without intervention to its logical conclusion: reality.”

We’ll get there. Hold on just a little longer…


Psychiatric Evidence – Schizophrenia: Auditory hallucinations of a critical nature. A large percentage of patients with schizophrenia experience “command hallucinations.”

Relevance to Bicameral Mind – Patients suffering from schizophrenia experience a partial relapse to the bicameral mind. In the absence of consciousness, bicameral man hallucinated a commanding voice that instructed him in times of stress or decision-making.

- Summary of Evidence
Julian Jaynes Society

No. Too far. Step back slowly.

Nihil Inimicus Quam Sibi Ipse [Oscar Wilde]

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

… It was an unjust mirror, this mirror of his soul that he was looking at. Vanity? Curiosity? Hypocrisy? Had there been nothing more in his renunciation than that? There had been something more. At least he thought so. But who could tell? … No. There had been nothing more… In hypocrisy he had worn the mask of goodness. For curiosity’s sake he had tried the denial of self. He recognized that now.

- The Picture of Dorian Gray
by Oscar Wilde, 1890

The System sent me and I’m here to help.

- “Yes, it really is all about me.” – The Operator
2009-09-16

Man’s Reflexive Inhumanity [Oscar Wilde]

Saturday, October 17th, 2009

As he looked back upon man moving through history, he was haunted by a feeling of loss. So much had been surrendered! and to such little purpose! There had been mad wilful rejections, monstrous forms of self-torture and self-denial, whose origin was fear and whose result was a degradation infinitely more terrible than that fancied degradation from which, in their ignorance, they had sought to escape; Nature, in her wonderful irony, driving out the anchorite to feed with the wild animals of the desert and giving to the hermit the beasts of the field as his companions.

- The Picture of Dorian Gray
by Oscar Wilde, 1890

60 – Hexagram Sixty: Chieh

Self-discipline teetering toward self-destruction.
An empty martyrdom.
Turn back.