How To: Survive Any Hostage Situation
Survival – it’s always on every person’s mind.
What better way to prepare to survive an unlikely event than to review a detailed and informative infographic full of conventional wisdom like “don’t be a hero”, “do what you’re told”, and “be observant” ..?
01 :: Be A Hero
Remember how everyone used to mock you for wearing a Superman outfit under your street clothes?
This is your chance to prove them all wrong – strip down to the spandex and kick some ass!
02 :: Watch The Clock
It is a little-known fact that hostage execution must begin within the first 45 minutes of a hostage situation (or your money back).
Keep an eye on the time and do what you can to ensure that there is another hostage who is less well-liked than yourself.
03 :: Silence The Blind Man
Be ready to silence any visually-impaired hostages; their reliance upon spoken communication makes them the weakest link and they’re certain to get you killed if allowed to speak.
04 :: Sleep With Your Eyes Open
Hostage-takers are less likely to execute hostages who appear to be dead.
This technique is especially effective if you are capable of holding your breath, stopping your heart, and cooling your skin to room temperature.
05 :: The Suggestion Box
DO NOT USE IT.
06 :: Choose Your Destiny
Being a hostage doesn’t have to be a disempowering experience.
Tell your captors what you think they should do after asking yourself whether you would prefer to be bludgeoned by the telephone, stabbed repeatedly with the scissors, or thrown out the window.
07 :: Vomit Blood
Whomever has taken you hostage will likely have an aversion to the vomitting of blood – this is why you must vomit blood at every opportunity.
If you see someone else vomitting blood, point and laugh before pointing at a first aid kit and laughing further.
08 :: Assume Ninja Attack Stance
The dreaded ninja eye-grab (popularized by Jerome Lester “Jerry” Horwitz) requires only two of your fingers and two of someone else’s eyes.
You can also use the ninja eye-grab on yourself, should you see anything particularly disturbing.
09 :: Use Thumb Signals
The combined thumbs-up/thumbs-down signal used in response to any and all inquiries will confuse your captors long enough for you to make your unlikely escape or begin feigning death.
10 :: Accept Incoming Calls
Hostage-takers who have retail job experience may automatically ask you to leave and allow your safe egress if you begin talking on a cellular phone.
Always accept incoming calls and use speaker phone – hostage situation or not – as a general safety precaution.
11 :: Human Furniture Method
The “human foot stool” position will not work with a dead hostage.
Remind your captors that you work better as furniture while you are alive.
12 :: Pray Correctly
Your rescuers expect your sincere gratitude.
Show your gratitude by thanking Allah when rescue arrives – the correct method for doing so will be to align yourself with the qibla, bow your head, and chant “Allahu Akbar!” at the top of your lungs.
