Insomnia #1783
The prospect of development – the Appleseed Project variant I’ve had in mind for a while, sometime after I decided I’d build an automation framework (I have plenty of circuitous schematics), sometime after I decided I’d build an operating system abstraction layer – leaves me hollow.
I watch the city’s ragged birds fight. Animals have instinct unhindered by second guesses. Animals have purposeful and actionable fate. There is something to be done and it is a singular thing. All that’s left is execution.
Nothing will stand in the way of the mosquito maneuvering over my hand – it will hover, it will land, it will feed (oh, but now it’s dead, just a mess between sweaty palms… no one ever said the animals had well-laid plans).
When I have a plan my mind’s eye fixates on distant, glimmering rewards of accomplishment and when there’s hope for success I passively sabotage that goal. It’s subverted or abandoned outright. It is lost in a crowd of competing goals or discounted as unattainable, unknowable, uninteresting, a creative fluke but just another distraction from the pragmatic endeavor of minimizing failure.
That’s perverse, isn’t it?
One of these days I will complete something worthwhile – or so I tell myself… even if I merely accomplish some base act of thaumaturgy to become more like the animals.
Would such clarity and purity of essence serve me well? I am hesitant to persuade myself otherwise.
